Core Beliefs and Religion

I grew up in a MORMON family. Yes, they are so MORMON they get all caps. I gained a wealth of knowledge about self-reliance, standing up for your principles and valuing your heritage from these MORMONS, and others who were part of my "Ward Family."

Unfortunately, I also learned shame, worthlessness, guilt and self-doubt. I learned that I will never be good enough. I learned that my desires as a woman, be they sexual or professional, were sinful. I learned that a family isn't really a family without a priesthood holder. I learned that women shouldn't want self-determination or equality.

Well, you know what?

I'm not worthless, thank you very much. I can make a week's worth of meals from the random contents of a food box meant to last three days. I have a command of the English language that surpasses that of most of the English professors I had in college. I can organize any group of people into efficient, productive work crews who will complete ANY task in the time given. I can discuss Shakespeare with some of North America's most brilliant Shakespearean scholars and they respect my input and body of knowledge. I can call a show perfectly on my second try. I'm one smart cookie. Not only am I smart, well-read, well-educated and a kick ass Baker (oh yeah, Baker gets a capital 'B'!) I'm also loyal, compassionate, dedicated to MY beliefs and socially aware.

Constantly feeling guilty for not being the perfect MORMON wife sucks hairy donkey balls, I have to say. No matter what I do, the guilt prevails. The feelings of inadequacy and shame follow quickly on guilt's heels. I struggle more with these feelings than any other. In the MORMON community where I grew up, everyone was like Bree Van de Kamp from Desperate Housewives. The thing is, I was not privy to any of their struggles. Women whom I loved, admired and endeavored to emulate never let their cracks show. They never let anyone catch a glimpse of their imperfections. Their homes were spotless and they painted a picture of perfect lives that cannot possibly have been true. I think the pursuit of excellence and the constant pressure to be everything to everyone made it impossible for them to relinquish the facade of perfection. The truly sad thing is that I know I would have benefited greatly from knowing things weren't always perfect for them. I think my MORMON classmates, all young women, of course, would have, too. Instead of presenting us with a beautiful picture of what our lives could be like if we simply stayed close to the church, they set an unattainable goal of perfection that perpetuated the guilt, shame and worthlessness that was the underlying theme of every lesson, every Ensign article.

I never felt comfortable in the MORMON church. My family was far from the pretty, soft-lit pictures you see on the church's commercials. (And what the fuck is up with a church buying TV ads? Are there no hungry people you could feed with that money?) My family was poor, my father was absent and my siblings were inactive. We struggled to have the basic necessities of life; the idea of building up an extra year's supply of food when we were barely eating as it was became a source of great anxiety for me. You see, while I never really believed in their God, I did believe their fear-mongering. I was absolutely convinced that the end of the world would approach and my family would be starving and lost, while those around us feasted on the fruits of the garden the prophet told them to plant. My Mother was single and worked all the time. we lived in a crappy trailer that my uncle generously gave us. There was no way we could plant a garden- there was no space, no money for materials, no money for the water bills. The garden became yet another way in which I was inadequate. As the only active MORMON in my family for a long time, I took all of it to heart. To this day, I feel extreme anxiety when we are low on food, even though we don't have to worry about buying more.

I left the church in my early twenties. I had been inactive for years and I felt it was unfair of the church to include me in their constant reminders of how fast the church was growing. Sure, they claimed eight million members at that time, but I didn't want to be counted among them. Theatre became my religion. The ecstasy of a beautiful cue was my road to divinity. The catharsis of tragedy was my freedom to really FEEL something, not just pretend I was perfect and beyond emotion. There is a weird paradox in the LDS church wherein a grown man can sob openly at the pulpit whilst professing undying faith in the prophet/the principle of tithing/the blessings of temple work/the joy of being a Priesthood holder, etc. At the same time, the culture is dismissive of other emotions. MORMONS are commanded to pray for those who have wronged them. They are instructed to not "harden" their hearts, to turn away from anger. Those are all lovely sentiments. Sadly, they are more empty, unattainable sentiments. Normal people get angry. Normal people get disgusted. Normal people know other people whom they'd rather not know. None of that is allowed in the MORMON church. You have a beef with someone in the ward? Suck it up and pretend you like them...then talk about them in the car on the way home from church. Anything else is "contentious" and harmful to Zion. Fuck that. I'll take real, raw emotion over forced civility and empty relationships any day.

Sex will probably get an entry of its own soon. MORMONS have a very straight forward view of sex. DON'T DO IT UNTIL YOU'RE MARRIED. EVER. Further, when it is discussed, it is always in veiled terms of "immorality" and "personal sins." There are a lot of things that are immoral to MORMONS; however, if you hear "Sister Adams struggles with morality," everyone will know that it's not alcohol consumption, watching TV on Sunday or having a cup of coffee that Sister Adams struggles with- it's sex. Always sex, always discussed in euphemisms and hushed tones. There is not safe place to turn for information about sex as an unmarried MORMON. If you admit to pre-marital sex, you can face disfellowshipment or excommunication. As my beloved friend D says, "That's some fucked up shit, right there." Sex is a normal, natural part of life. People are biologically programmed to start wanting it in their teens. It is the ultimate insult to biology and God's design to condition people from birth onward to eschew sex. It's like poking God in the eye and saying "What the hell were you thinking when you gave us hormones?" I hereby renounce the view of sex as a re commitment of marriage. Henceforth, I embrace it as a joyous occasion to share myself with someone I love, who wishes to share, too. I will no longer feel guilty and shameful for enjoying sex.

MORMONS are big on the Priesthood. It isn't priesthood like in other churches. In the LDS church, only men can hold the priesthood. It also so happens that only priesthood holders can make meaningful decisions or hold any real positions of power in the church. I have be appalled by this obvious sexism since I was a child. It was always a major sticking point for me as a mormon (I was never MORMON). I was assured on countless occasions that what looked, acted and smelled like sexism really wasn't because women get to have babies. Oh, well, that makes up for two hundred years of second-class status, no problemo Bishop! Nevermiond that men get to have babies, too. You see, men can share their priesthood with their wives. Not that such sharing imparts any actual power or self-determination, just that having a priesthood holder in the house is such a blessing. I hardly know how my family survived with just a single mother who worked her ass off every day. How would we have managed without a priesthood holder if one of us became gravely ill? Oh, I know- we went to the doctor. When I was a junior in high school, I was kicked out of my seminary class over a lesson that I felt demeaned women. I, a sixteen year old GIRL, had the audacity to ask a couple of difficult question of my MALE, priesthood holding teacher. I should thank him. Brother A, thanks for pushing me out the door. It was the first step on a journey I've never regretted.

These core beliefs that I never had a choice about are killing me. So, I'm letting them go. Goodbye, perfect wifehood. Goodbye, shame for enjoying sex. Goodbye, guilt for not having thirty buckets of wheat and ten cases of tuna in my basement. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.