Corrupting that which is pure.

I was thinking about my struggle to recover from depression and agoraphobia last night. This was not new to me; I ponder the meaning of my illness and the whys and wherefores frequently.

One of the toughest aspects of mental illness is getting past core beliefs and early imprinting (as Timothy Leary called it.) My early imprinting and core beliefs were formed within the bounds of an extremely conservative religion that corrupted that which is pure and purified that which is corrupt. Depression does the same thing.

Within MORMONISM, knowledge is a highly prized commodity...the right kind of knowledge, that is. An active MORMON can read all the MORMON books they want; they can devour the Ensign and The Deseret News and they are free to read anything written by an apostle or prophet. However, in the pursuit of pure knowledge, the LDS church has planted the seeds of corruption. MORMONS are told they must completely avoid "Anti-MORMON" literature. How will they know if it's anti-MORMON without reading it? Well, the church will tell them, of course. Plus, anything that disagrees with church teaching in even the smallest of ways is automatically anti-MORMON, even if it happens to be true. So, in members' pure seeking of knowledge, the church corrupts the journey with pitfalls and propaganda meant to control the thoughts and ideas of its members.

Depression does the same thing. With mental illness, not only is knowledge power, it is empowering. Knowing that so many women develop PPD is comforting, as is knowing that so many of them recover from it. On the flip side, having in depth (thanks, Google!) knowledge of the symptoms, manifestations and behaviours related to my blue plate crazy special can be dangerous. My disease corrupts this knowledge by planting seeds of doubt as I try to weed out the parasitic tendrils of depression that tell me lies and make me question my knowledge. I find myself thinking "Am I fixated on slicing up my thighs because I read that cutting is a common behaviour associated with PTSD?" and "Am I terrified to leave the house because I'm "labeled" as agoraphobic?" That devolves into hating myself for being "Stupid, weak, lazy, pathetic..."I doubt even my own real, terrifying emotions. Those kinds of questions are inherent to the nature of mental illness. Anything that makes me feel empowered, sane, reasonable is met with resistance from the disease in my brain. Depression, like any enemy wants to defeat me. The MORMON church paved the way for questioning my own knowledge and depression is happy to go down that road.

Another insidious aspect of MORMONISM and depression is purifying that which is corrupt. Sexism is inherently corrupt, as is homophobia. Yet, the LDS church teaches that these things are pure by assigning divine credence to each. It isn't sexist to deny women any real power in the church- Heavenly Father gave the men the Priesthood because women get to have babies. It isn't homophobic to campaign against equal rights for gay people, it's what Heavenly Father wants.

In the same vein, mental illness purifies that which is corrupt by muddying my thoughts and planting seeds of self-doubt, shame, worthlessness and self-loathing. Logically, I understand that if I were to commit suicide, it would devastate my family. It is reasonable to expect that my boys' lives would be MUCH harder if I made that choice. Suicide is inherently corrupt, borne of corrupt thinking made pure by the lies planted by illness. Yet, the lies are powerful. The depression is as smart as I am, being a creature of my own brain. It knows how to get at me. It whispers, "They would be better off without a crazy Mom." and "He only loves you because he's such a great guy he would never leave a sick woman." and "You'd do everyone a favour by ending this barrage of meltdowns, breakdowns and panic attacks." I KNOW those things are not true. I tell those thoughts to shut the fuck up, every time. I'm going on 2+ years of fighting those thoughts. One of these days, they actually will STFU.